Annoying The Twilight Characters
by EGGplantISHevyROXurSOX
Summary: Wanna annoy the Twilight characters? Then read this, walk up to them, and annoy the CRAPPLE outta them! Review!


**Me: Hiya.**

**Tim: Stop imagining me.**

**Me: No. I rule you.**

**Tim: .... NO!**

**Me: Yes. Yes. YES!!!! *becomes Medusa***

**Tim: *Screams like a girl and turns into stone***

**Me: Oh yeah! WHAT NOW, TIM?! *goes crazy***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. I DO own Tim; He's my only friend _**

**This is my very first fanfic, so, I know, it's the usual jokes, but, hey, s'not my fault…**

**Eggplantish evy**

**Jacob**

Never use English around him – instead, bark.

 Call him a space heater. 

Tell him that dogs make good pets, not good partners. 

Ask him if he has RSVPed to the wedding yet. 

Inform him that real men sparkle. 

Walk up to him and claim you have imprinted.

Say you love him and demand his paw in marriage. 

Tell him that even though he may run at a boiling 108.9 degrees, Bella doesn't find him hot. 

Inquire as to how Leah is… and if he dreams about Sam the way Leah dreams about Bella. 

Ask him if he likes to do things… doggy style.

Make him a day-by-day flip calendar, counting down the amount of time Bella will remain human.

**Alice**

Take her credit cards and shopping vouchers, hold them above your head and tell her to "jump for it". 

Tell her if she was just a few centimetres shorter she could legally be a midget. 

Wear the trashiest possible clothing whenever you can.

 Tie her up in a straightjacket.

When she protests, tell her she needs to go back to the loony bin.

 When you go into the sun with her, fall into a twitching heap on the ground and moan "I'm melting." 

Pelt her with cloves of garlic. 

When she gets a vision, ask if her "spidey senses" are tingling.

 Trip her up and ask if she saw it coming. 

Ask her what you will be doing in five minutes every ten minutes. 

Email her dozens of application forms for the position of speaker on psychic hotlines.

**Esme**

Let it slip what Carlisle really does during his night shifts at the hospital, with all of the pretty nurses. 

Tell her all about the names of your future children, when you want to have them, what genders you want them to be, etc. 

Ask her if her hair looks like caramel, does it taste like caramel? 

Politely ask if Carlisle asks her to dress up as "Nurse. Naughty" in the bedroom and if he demands she calls him "Doctor. Dreamy"

 Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher or paedophile. 

Take a chunk of her hair, put it in a blender with milk and hand back the final product, claiming it's a caramel milkshake. 

Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle's shirt collar and spray him with perfume.

Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction.

 Ask if she likes Carlisle's cute little English accent.

When she says she loves everything about Carlisle, call her an "uncultured swine" and storm off.

 Inquire as to how she jumped off a cliff and survived.

When she can't answer, ask if she is secretly Batman.

 Anonymously send her a package of baby clothing in the mail.

**Carlisle**

Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent. 

Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the "s".

When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the "q" is silent. 

Ask if blondes really do have more fun. 

Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER. 

Instead of telling him to "get lost" in an argument, tell him to swim to France. 

When he annoys you, respond with "times have changed, old man". 

Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight?Love thy enemy to death? 

Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn't expecting it and spray him with Holy Water. 

Call him McSteamy or McDreamy. 

Run around the Emergency Room screaming "I've been bitten! I've been bitten!"

**Rosalie**

Tell her that, because everyone thinks she and Jasper are twins, they should get together.

When she asks why, say that Incest is in at the moment. 

Call her "Ice Queen" behind her back and to her face. 

Whenever she argues anything, respond with "Whatever, bimbo." 

Claim that being a human ain't so great.

 When she argues the above claim, respond with "Whatever, bimbo." 

Try to exorcise her and her evil ways. 

Tell everyone that Edward didn't go to Italy because Rosalie said Bella was dead – he went to Italy because he envisioned Rosalie's ugly face.

her that Edward chose a pathetic human girl over her. 

Steal her silver cell phone and change the ringtone to "Roxanne" by The Police. When she asks why the heck you did it, say that she reminds you of Roxanne.

**Bella**

Ask about Mike. 

Ask about Eric. 

Ask about Jacob.

 Ask about Edward.

 After asking about all these boys, inquire as to how much she is paying them, and where in the White Pages she looked for fake fan-boys. 

When she complains about not being a vampire, throw glitter on her and claim she sparkles just like a vampire in the sun. 

Ask if the thought of Edward biting her makes her… happy. 

Say that since Edward is technically dead, she is into necrophilia.

Tell her that is sick and wrong, and she should stop with her weird fetishes. 

Tell her we all know about the real reason she married Edward – the honeymoon.

 Tell her that you and Jacob imprinted on each other, and are getting married.

Tell her you are pregnant, and will be with him forever.

Videotape the reaction.

**Jasper**

Beg him not to eat you. 

Inform him that he seems to be the "depressed" Cullen.

Go up to him, look him in the eye and ask if he is hungry.

Spell his name with two "a"'s (Jaspar) and call him Jaspar Cullen. When he objects, saying his name is Jasper Hale, wave your hand at him and tell him all that blood must have gone to his brain.

Tell him only girls feel emotions. Then giggle and run away.

Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out in front of him when he is least expecting it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.

Send out waves of lust and see how he reacts.

When he gets too close make your fingers into the sign of the cross and cry, "The power of Christ compels you!". 

Splatter red paint all over his and Alice's room and videotape his reaction.

Whenever he says anything, snap to attention, shout "Sir, yes sir!" and salute, army style.

**How was that? Good, suckish? Have you already heard them? =\ Dang it... Oh, well. Review, Review, Review!!!!!!!!! Any ideas? i might put up more!**

**Thanks to Xrizz, My awesomesauce ffbff, who told me how to friggin publish this! (i was , SO confused....)**


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